I believed I would have a comfortably paying job for a good company, that I would be using my skills, mostly enjoying the work that I do. I believed it because I was told it was the truth because of faith in God. I know you don't think you make much, but trust me - you can't get any lower than where I am. I was told and I believed that as long as I maintained my faith through even when it would seem to go against my interests to do so, that this would be rewarded and that my life would be an example of trusting in that which cannot be seen. I was encouraged to believe that what looked like an unwise decision to - anyone, everyone - was a wise one if made with faith, and that the act of operating on faith principle would be rewarded. I am not near perfect, and I have not always made the best choices, but my faith was always important to me. Even during a stretch of time when having a belief system would have been heavily frowned upon, I maintained my faith. I saw places where those affiliated with some faith were targeted and ridiculed. And I didn't always voice my faith, it would have been not short of stupid to do so at times. I believed at times that voicing my devotion would put my life in danger. Just the same, there was always that fixed point to which I could return. Whether it was (true, pure, as defined by the church) or imaginary, it was my lifeline.

I've since grown up and taken responsibility for my actions. The truth is that whether or not an omniscient third party could manipulate even time for the purposes of truly honest forgiveness, it doesn't in the world I live in. Sure, maybe at any moment, the whole of everything is staged down to the last details of the history of an individual person, object, event. That shouldn't be a challenge for a sentient being that created life and wins football games with a snap of its fingers.

At the moment just prior to the moment of impact, I had an awakening. My will put me hitting the car the way I did; targeting the hood and windshield at the moment of impact may have saved my life.

Was I supposed to live? I'd say 'yes' solely because I am here. If I prayed to god about my plans to do this, I can say with absolute sincerity and understanding that's not directly what saved me, if it had anything to do with it at all. (To explain, if prayer gave me an honest look at the potentials of the situation and the danger involved, it may have influenced my decision to change my target at the last moment. GOD DID NOT INTERVENE WITH ANY DIVINE SPECTRAL MANIPULATION OF THE PLANET BECAUSE I AM ANY SORT OF IMPORTANT NOR FOR ME TO HAVE A STORY TO TELL.

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