I feel more in-tune but further out-of-sorts. I feel again like I am seeing with some clarity, and though I don't want to just hide and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist, I have been here before and decided it was not necessary or wise. Maybe that was for that time; I don't know. I don't want to permanently not be able to see; I am not ready to forget all about seeing myself as the world sees me. Life is full of distractions. I could probably fairly easily distract myself adequately for the next few years and cause little more trouble before the components that make up my mind and body disperse to be recycled and that thing I think as 'me' may live on in a memory in someone's mind, for a moment. If I wexe t9x ecycl4 d0m, x xxxx xx xxxxxx x___ __ my life would be left unfulfilled. I've done my damnedest. I've put all I've got into your way, and into my way. Is it just progress (if it is progress) that I am targeting? Is there a greater hope? Or am I imprisoned in a very comfortable small box in all necessary effort to keep me from saying things which can only do harm, originating from my toxic mind? I know I need to say less. I know it's all going to come back to haunt me, or so says my paranoia. I say, "What's a few more?" What's going to happen? How is the world going to change? With all its goings on, life changes very little. I'm in a more or less comfortable sort of place right now, but then there's clarity, the truth of what needs to be and what is not. I can't tell if there is anything to be done, anyone whom can help. This is a critical time. I followed the instructions. I did and am doing precisely what I am supposed to do. I trusted in powers greater than myself (back before it was cool, but nonetheless.) I am respectful of others. I have gone day after day, year after year, until I was told not to. I am living the life I am supposed to live, that I am instructed to, the only life I can live. I love my family but I hate myself for what I am putting them all through. Sometimes, when there could be nothing but hope, there is still not hope.